The Vuvuzela

All hail the King of Vuvuzela and his mighty crown

This World Cup, the players have had to compete for headlines against a trumpet. I won’t bother explaining the vuvuzela much – if you’ve turned on a television this week then you’ve heard the buzz of a thousand of the blighters. The public response has mostly been outright hatred for these horns, partially because of the sheer volume of the damn things but also because it means the crowd sounds the same no matter what’s happening on the pitch:

For those of you playing at home

The South Africans love it, however, and show no sign of bending to pressure to ban the vuvuzela. Instead there’s a backlash, on the logic that it’s culturally insensitive to tell Africans how they are to celebrate in their own country. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I don’t mind the noise or if I just enjoy when a bunch of white people are getting all huffy in their lounge rooms about a bunch of people half a world away who are having a great time and don’t give a damn – let’s face it, we all know it’s the second one – but this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in ages.

Stuff it, I’ll say it: I LOVE THE VUVUZELA. Not only does it annoy stuffy white people, it’s like having a horde of angry bees in your television. 22 men play on a field to decide the fate of the planet while the mutant wasp swarm descends!

I’ve another theory, however, and it goes like this: the buzz of the vuvuzelas sounds like electro. Throw down a beat behind it and it’s not far off some of the remixes I’ve done, in fact. For example, one I actually dubbed as my Wasp remix of Proxy’s Raven because it sounds like a barrel full of the little beasts:

Proxy – Raven (Silence Wedge’s ‘Wasp’ Re-Edit) [mediafire]

Soccer and electro often produce similar reactions from me – jumping around, yelling at people, consuming a lot of alcohol – so it’s difficult to whether the buzzing makes me more excited, but I’m pretty sure it does. A buildup of distorted horns that never breaks, tens of thousands of electric heralds spurring on the champions. Within seconds, my eyes are twitching and I find that my jaw’s clenched tighter than a Scotsman’s arsehole. I’m a white-knuckled, gurning mess. FOOTBALL!

Apparently Brazil have claimed that their players are suffering because they cannot hear the normal samba beat that their supporters play. They should get with the times – not only in regards to electronic music, as this is the same country which produced the Twelves, but I like to think that owning up to the fact that your team is just playing a bit shit is rather 21st century. Perhaps that is a touch naïve; sadly, major sporting stars are not often known for their humility.

Let me cut to the chase: I wrote this post for two reasons. One, as I’m sure you’ve realised, is to share amusing vuvuzela imemeages (not a word, but it should be). The other is to give you the track below. Some blessed soul has done what we were all thinking and remixed the devil’s horn and let me tell you the results are impressive. God bless you, Internet.